Chapter 6 - Be Unsure and Uncomfortable on Purpose

Chapter 6 key concepts:

This is the "opposite of reassuring" chapter.  For those of us with a tendency to reassure or say "it will be fine", this will be a major shift in communication.  It is pushing our children toward the worry and showing confidence in their ability to problem-solve. You can even find times when it is convenient for you to sort of orchestrate a typical uncomfortable feeling to happen for your child. If it's a convenient time for you it will be easier for you to keep your own anxieties in check while you can calmly be with your child while he or she works through it on their own.  It sounds a bit diabolical, but it is great practice!

Be unsure and uncomfortable on purpose

• To grow, your child must expect to feel anxious and worried from time to time

• Teaching kids to problem-solve rather than avoid

• What crutches are you providing for your child?

• Model the process of accepting and moving toward discomfort and uncertainty

Discussion/Action Plan:

• What crutches are you providing for your child?
• Model the process of accepting and moving toward discomfort and uncertainty

UPDATED TO ADD:  Here is an article that offers of really great responses to "worry questions" and empowers kids to be problem-solvers and make their worry less powerful.  Unfortunately, reassurance doesn't work!

Chapter 5 - Same Old Worry, Very Different Responses

Ack! Where did the last week go? Thank you all for continuing to read and share reflections - great conversations on Chapter 4 - please be sure to check them out and provide feedback!

Chapter 5 is a meaty chapter that may push you a bit out of your comfort zone, but I use these strategies with students ALL the time and they can be very effective!  Here are the main concepts:

• Externalize the Anxious Worries - this is talking to your worry and even naming it to give it a character. I usually try to get students to name it something that makes them giggle because that helps to take its power away!
• Ways to talk to Worry: Expect it, Take Care of It, Boss it Around. Each may work better in certain situations.
• They talk more, you talk less - this helps us as parents to NOT get over-involved and instead empower our kids to be problem-solvers.  Coaching, without reassuring the worry.
• Beware the content trap - instead cue to externalize.

Take action:

• Watch out for "safety chatter"
• Plant the seeds of externalizing and talking back to Worry
• Model the process of talking back to Worry

Good luck!

Chapter 4 - Expect to Worry

Great work on Chapter three - I read many of you finding common ground in the "flexibility" conversations. Your comments and replies have been very supportive - please continue to try writing at least one comment and one reply to another comment to continue the conversational aspect of the book club.  I love this group - I think it's going very well!  

We will post Chapter 5 after break, so enjoy your week! We will plan another "meet and greet" for later in March - please watch for details.  Great work everyone!

Key Concept:

·         Expect to worry

Practice:

·         Plant the seeds of normalizing worry and expecting worry to show up

·         Model the process of not being surprised when worry shows up