This is the "opposite of reassuring" chapter. For those of us with a tendency to reassure or say "it will be fine", this will be a major shift in communication. It is pushing our children toward the worry and showing confidence in their ability to problem-solve. You can even find times when it is convenient for you to sort of orchestrate a typical uncomfortable feeling to happen for your child. If it's a convenient time for you it will be easier for you to keep your own anxieties in check while you can calmly be with your child while he or she works through it on their own. It sounds a bit diabolical, but it is great practice!
Be unsure and uncomfortable on purpose
- To grow, your child must expect to feel anxious and worried from time to time
- Teaching kids to problem-solve rather than avoid
- What crutches are you providing for your child?
- Model the process of accepting and moving toward discomfort and uncertainty
Discussion/Action Plan:
- What crutches are you providing for your child?
- Model the process of accepting and moving toward discomfort and uncertainty
UPDATED TO ADD: Here is an article that offers of really great responses to "worry questions" and empowers kids to be problem-solvers and make their worry less powerful. Unfortunately, reassurance doesn't work!
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DeleteGreat conversation here and Kristi you are doing some hard work addressing some tough issues! I too really like the philosophy in this chapter, about helping your child be okay with "uncomfortable". It is so different from our natural tendency, yet very key to helping our kids deal with anxiety. I overheard a teacher use a great response to students who ask nonstop questions for reassurance. She said, "Are you asking because you don't know or because you need confidence?" I love this response because it helps kids to acknowledge why they are asking for the reassurance. If they are asking because they lack confidence, we are not helping them by giving the answer, that will only reinforce the helplessness. At this point I sort of wish my teenage son would ask a few more questions before stubbornly going off because he "knows everything", but when he messes up, it is his own mistake and he fixes it. It's okay to make mistakes - they are cheap at this stage - better for a child to not quite have it right, but own it, than to never feel like they are capable of making a decision.
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DeleteI like that too, Steve. I've been looking for ways to respond to students who ask questions for reassurance and came across this article. It's very similar to what we are discussing here and seems to combine the externalization and the and moving toward discomfort in this chapter. The author suggests three questions you can use as a parent/other adult to help a child deal with the worry questions: http://www.dawnhuebnerphd.com/Articles/ReassuranceDoesNotWork.aspx
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ReplyDeleteThat is great news!! I love how you empowered her in asking the question, even if her preteen self wouldn't give you the satisfaction:)
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